Why...?

Why do I feel compelled to explain myself here so often? And why do I feel so guilty about not blogging more regularly or more originally? I've declared this blog to never be monetized so I shouldn't feel the need to account for any lapses of original blogging. I crouch in fear from a Cerberus of writer's block or apathy, the wonder of who, if anyone, would want to read what I write and the disquiet of a relative stranger using my own words against me to his own malevolent ends.

I admire those hardier (not to mention prolific) bloggers who just put it all out there; they don't make excuses for themselves or their opinions. While I have struggled to even find a voice. And for five years this blogger has scrambled to find a consistent theme. But there can ultimately be no purpose to this blog. That has been the one constant, no purpose and no rules, just whatever and whenever I feel like it. I do it for myself. If someone should happen to find a nugget of value submerged within, then all the better. But that's not the goal. The only goal is to keep exploring, to keep re-opening and re-discovering even after being bitch-slapped and nipple-twisted by those pernicious powers that be. Even when those powers are the very voices in my own head.

I'm at a cross-roads in my life where uncertainty is the over-reaching worry. Losing an income I thought relatively secure and the attendant health benefits. But with this change comes the opportunity to change within, to reclaim that self that had become neglected over the past few years while concentrating on making a living and surviving the day-to-day banality of the workaday world. Perhaps some new-found time for blogging about that process. Maybe that's the new theme. Let's see what happens shall we?